He visits gangs in the meadow - Edit 1

[Alexearth]

Since the only time you use the gang reference is in the second part, I am with Alex about meadow. The wing over suburbs is a plane, more than likely, at least that's the way I read it.

The lack of punctuation is particularly annoying in such a rambling, obscure work. If you're going to write about vague concepts, you have to give readers a map or we'll never find our way out. You have extremely random capitalization and nothing else.

Be careful with using the same word more than once in a minimalistic poem (especially if it has two different meanings)---for example sighs as a verb, then more as an interjection (sighs( <,> the train)

Harvest moon is cliché.

sicken in metal coffins makes no sense no matter how I try to arrange my thoughts. Sick, in metal coffins? maybe. But certainly not sicken. Sickened, perhaps. Don't have a clue.

What Dale means is that these are not independent clauses. They can't stand alone as complete thought. They are linked to other clauses that are the same.


If this were longer with a bit more information it might work. Right now I'm thinking it may be an attempt to write a discordant piano piece without knowing what twelve tone rows are.

Thanks for your advice and opinion Bena. I was thinking of the first stanza as an ambient introduction, but yeah they have to be related, and I'll of course work on the punctuation.