He visits gangs in the meadow - Edit 1

[Alexearth]

Hello there,
Some great aspects to this poem, however I feel they are too varied in their approach. Whenever I get into he poem it feels that the next line jolts me and it affects the continuity. This of course is a powerful tool all of its own, but I don't think that is the effect you are going for in this fluid modern setting. For example: "Faces in abandoned cars", while I sense it to be a deeply symbolic line, doesn't work where it is. I believe ".....a wing over the suburbs/Enter the City...." has a more constant flow without the interlude. This applies at a few points.
Next, in my opinion your use of the word "sigh" to describe both the noise of the motor and the train needs further thought, Sigh is a very powerful onomatopoeic phrase that in my mind conflicts with the images you are depicting. I would personally never associate it with the mechanical nature of combustion engines. Moreover it doesn't work as a contrast either and the irony (if intended) would need further development throughout.
In summation, you need to find a select number of directions in a poem and unify and expand on them, not just touch on several and jump between them.
That is my opinion anyway, take on board what you wish. Regardless keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Thank you for your comment Cornelius Ferguson. You are making a good point for the continuity of the poem. As an atmosphere of a whole, I wanted to write something dark yet melancholic. "Sigh" here is used to represent the comfortable loneliness of the road at night in stanza 1, and also the loss of hope to escape from a certain state in stanza 2. Maybe the word "sigh" isn't appropriate for the noise of a motor, but where I was living before, hearing a train in the distance sort of sounded like it. But I you are right for needing to choose a unique direction for the poem. Thanks again


Alex

---

"Sighs a certain train in the distance" "sights"?

I don't understand what this is supposed say, I have no idea if it is referencing birds or hoodlums. I have never found stringing dependent clauses together an effective tool to set the scene. I'm all for brevity, but not at the cost of clarity.

Dale

Thank you for your comment Dale,
Yes this is about hoodlums, at least in the second stanza. It depicts their routine. With the line "Sighs a certain train in the distance" I tried writing a metaphor on how they are unable to escape their state. This "sigh" was also a recurring sound I heard many nights, inducing a certain nostalgia.
Can you explain what you mean by stringing dependent clauses together?


Alex