07-06-2014, 04:22 AM
Hello there,
Some great aspects to this poem, however I feel they are too varied in their approach. Whenever I get into he poem it feels that the next line jolts me and it affects the continuity. This of course is a powerful tool all of its own, but I don't think that is the effect you are going for in this fluid modern setting. For example: "Faces in abandoned cars", while I sense it to be a deeply symbolic line, doesn't work where it is. I believe ".....a wing over the suburbs/Enter the City...." has a more constant flow without the interlude. This applies at a few points.
Next, in my opinion your use of the word "sigh" to describe both the noise of the motor and the train needs further thought, Sigh is a very powerful onomatopoeic phrase that in my mind conflicts with the images you are depicting. I would personally never associate it with the mechanical nature of combustion engines. Moreover it doesn't work as a contrast either and the irony (if intended) would need further development throughout.
In summation, you need to find a select number of directions in a poem and unify and expand on them, not just touch on several and jump between them.
That is my opinion anyway, take on board what you wish. Regardless keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Some great aspects to this poem, however I feel they are too varied in their approach. Whenever I get into he poem it feels that the next line jolts me and it affects the continuity. This of course is a powerful tool all of its own, but I don't think that is the effect you are going for in this fluid modern setting. For example: "Faces in abandoned cars", while I sense it to be a deeply symbolic line, doesn't work where it is. I believe ".....a wing over the suburbs/Enter the City...." has a more constant flow without the interlude. This applies at a few points.
Next, in my opinion your use of the word "sigh" to describe both the noise of the motor and the train needs further thought, Sigh is a very powerful onomatopoeic phrase that in my mind conflicts with the images you are depicting. I would personally never associate it with the mechanical nature of combustion engines. Moreover it doesn't work as a contrast either and the irony (if intended) would need further development throughout.
In summation, you need to find a select number of directions in a poem and unify and expand on them, not just touch on several and jump between them.
That is my opinion anyway, take on board what you wish. Regardless keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.