A hum in the red sky

[Alexearth]

Okay to tell us what you're striving for, I guess. Might get less skewered comments if people were left to comment "blind" on your intentions. Atmosphere is carried here as much by formatting as words. Like the absence of punctuation, capital letters, uneven stanzas. All add to your "atmosphere" of dead/undead suburbia dwellers. The "parallel romance / plot" fits well with the parallel universe between the settings. I like the poem. I see a bit of Twilight Zone here. Wouldn't mind a reference to the other half (e.g. she) of the equation. Is it only "he" who is a lost soul? You have a reference to "people"…specifically use domestic settings, but prefer to zero in only on the male half as "he" goes off to the city. Quite a Leave It to Beaver ending.

Thank you for your comment 71degrees. I like how you grasped some of my intentions. Do you think adding punctuation would help the poem?

This extract comes from a book of several poems I'm writing, implicating this "he" . I should have mention that earlier I guess. I want to create a contrast between a person and a scene, an intrusion.

Alex