A hum in the red sky

[71degrees]

* I try here to establish an atmosphere more than giving concrete explanations on what is happening.


A hum in the red sky

detached people quiet
around long dining table

front yards at day
St-Augustine lawn shivers
in silent madness

terrible sights of deathless track homes

curtains stir where
rifts form

he opens the trunk and puts in the bags

always a plot and a parallel romance
he runs to the cities
he has bigger visions

Okay to tell us what you're striving for, I guess. Might get less skewered comments if people were left to comment "blind" on your intentions. Atmosphere is carried here as much by formatting as words. Like the absence of punctuation, capital letters, uneven stanzas. All add to your "atmosphere" of dead/undead suburbia dwellers. The "parallel romance / plot" fits well with the parallel universe between the settings. I like the poem. I see a bit of Twilight Zone here. Wouldn't mind a reference to the other half (e.g. she) of the equation. Is it only "he" who is a lost soul? You have a reference to "people"…specifically use domestic settings, but prefer to zero in only on the male half as "he" goes off to the city. Quite a Leave It to Beaver ending.