A hum in the red sky

[Alexearth]

A good effort Alex, I think an atmosphere does come through, I like the "curtains stirring" and the "detatched people," who could tie into the last 4 lines that finish the piece well for me, and give the narrative another dimension to step into..JG

PS I think line 7 could be got rid of for a stronger overall feel.

Thank you for your answer! I was thinking maybe putting line 7 in the beginning as an introduction?


Alex

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Hi Alex: I see some atmosphere here, a bit truncated, but atmosphere is everywhere; what's the point? Best Loretta

Thank you for your answer Loretta. Do you think more lines should be added to emphasize the atmosphere?
As an explanation I think sometimes the feeling you get from a poem is more important than the content, so its okay not to understand as long as the intended atmosphere is fully grasped. So I'm trying to play with that,tell me if I'm wrong

Alex