babylon
#2
(07-05-2014, 03:09 PM)vagabond Wrote:  believe in fortune, believe in progress
this blinding religion, impressive fortress
we work and we build for safety and wealth
and try to secure our emotions and health

we are gathering more, more and more
riches increasing together with fear
chaining our hearts and dissolving our bones
but there are methods to be happily stoned

that´s our evolution: to grow without moving
this is our knowledge: repeat and then store it
that´s how we love: no need to follow desire,
when we can create the perfect chimaera
Sometimes punctuation is unnecessary to the piece; indeed, lack of punctuation or correct capitalising of words following a period can be seen as tiresome in such work.
None of this applies here. You found that rhyming was too much of an effort very quickly; then you turned off meter as it was limiting you too much; finally you gave up on everything and went straight for your raw and preachy inconclusive conclusion.
A lot of work needed.
Your poem and you should work on it.
Best,
tectak
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Messages In This Thread
babylon - by vagabond - 07-05-2014, 03:09 PM
RE: babylon - by tectak - 07-05-2014, 03:21 PM
RE: babylon - by abu nuwas - 07-05-2014, 08:02 PM
RE: babylon - by vagabond - 07-06-2014, 12:07 PM
RE: babylon - by Erthona - 07-06-2014, 02:22 PM



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