07-05-2014, 05:46 AM
(06-22-2014, 09:16 PM)poe Wrote: This edit was done in response to the critiques of Tectak, Cherrie666pie, and Fogglethorpe. With thanks.
Infatuation
Flutter, flutter, you are the utter
romance of the breath. I truly wish I knew what the hell this means but even with the addition of the next line it leaves me dumfounded. I am more than happy to blame my own inadequacies in the translation department but what does " A fibrillation of intent upon your object" purport to mean. What is this "object" ? Why do you not write in sentences?
A fibrillation of intent upon your object,
heaven sent:
beauty in its pure incantation.
Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath...
the feather fringed eyelashes' fluttered moment sent, Why the comma? Do you intend linkage to the next stanza? Yes? So why the comma AND why the line break? It is nonsensical. If you cannot see what is wrong here please just say. If english is not your first language then my apologies...if it is, do you have a second?
an image in the mind
carried through a river in the eyes,
waxed wild and wide
for shooting sparks to fly inside..
The hostage is entrained: entrained?
“(She is beauty and divine,
what is chief is she be mine.)” Sorry but still gobbledygook
Do angels chortle (but jealously)
when imbibing what they see?
Or admonish clumsily: Enough. I will leave this to others. I really want to help but I feel that I am discouraging you by standung too close to that old humorist, Scarcasm; and that is not what either of us want
Don't you know that,
beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend,
but then falls down
as earth's revenge?
Flutter, flutter, you are the
drenched or dried up longings of the heart.
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure.
Though time betrays all but the memory
of the once fresh and young.
Beauty will cause this flutter to flutter, by and by
the newly aching heart.
I wish you well.
Best,
tectak
Original
Flutter, flutter, you are the
utter romance of the breath
a fibrillation of intent upon your object
heaven sent: Beauty in its pure incantation.
Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath,
the fern feathered eyelashes' fluttered moment went.
It tricked the eye to believe
it let sparkles fly.
So while beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend it then
falls down again as earth's revenge.
Flutter, flutter, you are the
five fingers of my heart.
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure.
For as time betrays all
but the memory of the once fresh and young,
beauty will cause this flutter, to flutter, now
the newly aching heart.
October 2006