07-01-2014, 08:48 AM
"in case a social worker calls," --> "in case a social worker called,"
A couple of comments, even though it is in Miscellaneous Poetry.
Maybe "Wingtips" instead of "brogues" unless it is intentional to have racial overtones.
Even though I have known situations almost as bad, this one is just extreme enough, to make it seem as though it could not be real; from the description, it seems the children would all have starved of hunger quite some time ago. I think it needs to be believable to be effective.
Dale
A couple of comments, even though it is in Miscellaneous Poetry.
Maybe "Wingtips" instead of "brogues" unless it is intentional to have racial overtones.
Even though I have known situations almost as bad, this one is just extreme enough, to make it seem as though it could not be real; from the description, it seems the children would all have starved of hunger quite some time ago. I think it needs to be believable to be effective.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.