the title sort of makes me think of bravery and going into battle,
the poem has the feel of a song of war. not sure the meter works but in places i stumbled.
the poem has the feel of a song of war. not sure the meter works but in places i stumbled.
(06-29-2014, 02:31 PM)Brownlie Wrote: Oh boy, I posted in this section because the feedback is good in this thread.
Our glory’s waving new and old.
It guides in patterned lines
of red and blue they set above
a blank slate page enshrined. so this is the flag above or over a monument, though my americana knowledge isn't good i'd say the declaration of independence. lines/enshrined feel a little off
Our idol is this colored flag idol seems wrong as the flag is more a rally point or symbol
that’s scrawled upon but white. but white?
Our blissful bower’s always ripe,
and hid from winter’s bite.
The noiseless sounding cannon blasts not sure this it correct but it works well for me, i feels something akin to shell shock
are soaring from remotes.
Some cheer for mellow David’s sling
through our green colored coats.
We curse the hoary hairs of age for me this would make a better opening line. everything is able to follow it.
in bed and league with time.
So, hey ho we’ll drink to the day the meter feels off here, (though it may be me not reading it properly) a suggestion would be [today] instead of [to the day]
and miss a later clime.
We’ll wash the ebbing wars away, best line of the poem
or needle nettles clean,
and it's twenty days off the Horse again the meter feels a bit off.
until nightmares and dreams. clean/dreams could be better.