The Turtle

[just mercedes]

Owned

Hi - your poem paints great pictures! My main problem with it is the switch in past tense, and as always I want to chop away at the words I don't think are necessary to the reader's enjoyment and understanding.

I knew him. I knew him well
enough to know that he liked
walking the line of ambiguity
(between what was too real,
and hyperbole,) too telling, I felt -not needed
on the sacred ground of sarcasm.
He liked pretending he was mercurial,
or dumb as dirt.
He liked almost reveling his true self,
which was neither mercurial nor dumb.
He would bask like a turtle on a rock Why 'would bask' now, after 'he liked ...' - suddenly conditional after past imperfect
in the light of false modesty,
but quickly dive into the deep water do you need 'the deep water of' - image given by the rock basking i think
of obfuscation if someone came too close
to his protective shell. I don't think this line is needed
On occasion he would drop pearls,
as if by accident,
and turds as if on purpose.
Living on the edge
of this fantasy was his life, which fantasy? You were talking about 'his true self'
as he lay in a hammock,
unmoving,
on a beach somewhere
that Hemingway had never gone, clunky - where H had never been?
and little brown women would bring him sexist pig
sticky rice and coconut drinks, love the sounds and imagery here
until the sun would fade
and he would bask in the light
of tiki torches painted by Gauguin. strong finish!


–Erthona


©2014

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Missed a typo - reveling' which I think should be 'revealing'. (line 9)