So Boldly We'll Go

[S.M. Bondurant]

Hello S.M. and welcome. I will try to make some general remarks on the poem, but before that I would say you bring a good attitude to the forum. Most important, IMO. I think starting with a form and trying to work within it is a worthwhile exercise. Also, a challenging way to begin. Well done.

I've never really tried my hand at poetry before, this is a first for me. I read through a bunch of poetic forms, picked one and tried to do something similar. I admit, embarrassing as it is, that I don't even recall at this point which form it was that I was trying to stay within, but I remember that I didn't succeed in staying within it very well. You'll notice that many of the lines are modifications of the lines that came before. This can be seen as lazy, I'm sure, but it was something that I wanted to focus on. Feedback is appreciated, and thank you for your time in advance.

hearts full of fire and heads filled with tales
into the world we so boldly will go If the refrain is the nuts and bolts of the piece, you want it clear and concise. I was able to find the rhythm, but I think you could do without "so" or "will" or both.

odds are against us but we shall prevail

hearts spilling fire and headstrong with tales
into the world we so boldly will go
together forever we cannot fail

tides crash against us yet we shall prevail
into the world we so boldly will go
adventure invites a wind in our sails"to our sails" might be stronger.

hands held so tightly that we cannot faila little wordy
into the world we so boldly will go
we'll outrun the roads and cut a new trail

peril compels we not slacken our sails
into the world we so boldly will go
time will not count us in his balanced scales

we'll run out of roads but forge a new trail
into the world we so boldly will go
us cutters of curtains, parters of veilsCould be the strongest line in the piece but that "parters" is not actually a word. I think it's ok to invent words, but it has to be very deliberate and critically instrumental to the piece. I would probably go with "lifters"

time will play tyrant but we will not quell
into the world we so boldly will go
i'll stand beside you through any travail

no matter the world so boldly we'll go

Thanks for sharing and good luck. -Paul

Thank you for all of your input, Tiger. What are your feelings on a refrain compromise in the form of 'into the world so boldly we'll go'? I admit that some of the excess words are partially because I have a habit of being too wordy and also partially because I was trying to keep each line at ten syllables.

I agree fully on the parter/lifter bit. If anything, parter (being not a real word anyway) would have worked better for the curtains, since those are traditionally parted. Lifting does make more sense for a veil, now that I'm looking at it again. I think 'cutters of curtains' was born of a forced alliteration.

On your other points, noted, and I will take them into consideration when I do sit down to rewrite this.