Shadow's Embrace

[S.M. Bondurant]

if using rhyme, make them all work or they all fail.
the other thing that really lets it down is the meter.

you start off with lines of 6,6,7. syllables
try and keep that a constant. at the moment it feels too ambiguous, give the reader something solid if only in a couple of lines.

When the space becomes tight,
and the candle too bright
Snuff out the sight that confines. i have to admit to like the 1st two lines but can't understand the 3rd one.

When the moment that breaks,
shatters all the light
Crawl back to the place where the senses don't hide.

In darkness it repeats,
coiling through the sun that it heats
Calling out to the Creatures of the Night that she needs.

Choose emptiness and you will find Her.

To me, in reading this, the whole first stanza seemed to sort of say: if you're looking around and everything feels too confined.. blow out the candle. Take away the sense that is making you feel confined. Which was why I thought it might be better to switch sight for light and let sight be implied. I thought it was a good direction to start a piece with and offered a lot to work off of in later stanzas.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it.