Murder

[ellajam]

Hi, Chris, I've been enjoying this from the start, sorry it's taken me so long to buckle down and give some critique on it. I love the way it portrays a relationship drained of all warmth in such an interesting way. here are some notes.

Loretta/Dale/QDS/Cy/TtheLion/TruE edit2 Thanks again.

Murder

The usual suspect was spotted
in the neighborhood coming for others,
but our turn had come. Nights dilated
and became frigid, growing icicles
as potential murder weapons.
I like the neighborhood prowler, it shows this is not a unique situation. I'm not a fan of the coming/come that appeared in this edit. Maybe something like "hunting for others" could work. Love the rest, especially icicles as weapons, chilling image.


Death came to our home on stilts,
peered through our frosted bedroom
window and saw that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing ceases,
that we went to bed silent,
slept dreamless, unconscious
of how to love without killing
one another. Inviting death
into the house that night offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities.
Yes to the stilts, death took efforts to reach up there and found ripe pickings. Yes to kisses that leave tiny bruises that amass and the welcome to a death that opens the door to new beginnings.

By late next morning, authorities
dragged the pond behind the house
and discovered the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding vows.
Hollow wedding vows is a bit leaden, more common sounding than the rest of the poem. I can't think of a great substitute, but I know you could if you decide to.

Thanks for posting your work on this, interesting reading.