06-27-2014, 01:42 AM
When the space becomes tight,
and the candle too bright
Snuff out the sight that confines.
This makes sense.
When the moment that breaks,
shatters all the light
Crawl back to the place where the senses don't hide.
This makes less sense. Nothing has to make sense, but it doesn't sound good either. Nothing has to sound nice, but it could sound better.
You don't need the comma.
In darkness it repeats,
coiling through the sun that it heats
Calling out to the Creatures of the Night that she needs.
Choose emptiness and you will find Her.
The last two lines say everything that needs to be said. Maybe you could try wording things differently.
and the candle too bright
Snuff out the sight that confines.
This makes sense.
When the moment that breaks,
shatters all the light
Crawl back to the place where the senses don't hide.
This makes less sense. Nothing has to make sense, but it doesn't sound good either. Nothing has to sound nice, but it could sound better.
You don't need the comma.
In darkness it repeats,
coiling through the sun that it heats
Calling out to the Creatures of the Night that she needs.
Choose emptiness and you will find Her.
The last two lines say everything that needs to be said. Maybe you could try wording things differently.