When Fogs Collide

[LorettaYoung]

When Fogs Collide

In a forest bent by breeze,
blowing branches over leaves,
came a thump, thump, thump in the midnight. Thump, thump thump is cumbersome here. Maybe try some like" Came a thumping in the moonlight" ?
All gone was the starlight,
even absent was the moonlight
but a white fog glowed silent, slipping thru the trees. through

I stopped and froze from smiling
‘cause my fear did find beguiling
how this eerie froth of floating grace,
ejecta from some spectral place,
could turn and twist in one ‘bout face
and send my fears colliding.

It pulsed a light and started thumping,
made me feel like jumping, jumping
off to where I could have been
so I could jump right from my skin
and sprout some wings to ride the wind
and feel my fears subsiding.

Closer came it creeping, creeping It came
but to me it seemed as leaping
like it had some ultra aim
than scaring me out wits and brains Of between wits and brain for better meter and more natural elocution.
which now in shock I must proclaim
it passed me thumping, thumping.

I turned to catch one moment’s bliss.
A second fog did merge. They kissed.
Tears I cried yet not for me This inversion is a bother. Maybe something like "I cried tears that weren't for me?
but for two fogs heard jubilantly
who found in a universe of sky and mist
each another on a forest plain like this maybe "one another?"

and I felt prized over all above
to have witnessed the thumpings of fogs in Love
and realized that Love is the searching pulse
of a heart that’s thumping for someone else.
And “just” when you think life is over or blue,
you’ll turn and a thumping will be looking at you !

Namyh

All and all I like it very much aside from the final stanza. If you made a few small changes, corrected the meter and inversions, and cut the last stanza you would have a good poem

The tears are enough to bring closure and get the message across, without beating the reader over the head with a rhetorical message. Which strangely makes the writing of the thing overly apparent and pulls the reader out of the experience, rather than deliver meaning.

Thanks for sharing.

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Hi trueenigma: I like this very much, it appeals to my ethereal senses. Just a few minor suggestions, taken from someone pretty new to this, trying to be helpful, esp. because I like this:
S1, L3; I would say thump, thump in the night (or dark night). You say moonlight in the next few lines. L7 i would put on the next line for emphasis and to even lengths of line.
S4, L4- "rather" than scaring me of wits and brain
S3, Found a little hard to relate to "where you could have been" and would sprouting wings to fly on wind subside your fears?
S5: To make it clearer that both fogs merged.. and who "found a universe". Also, who found each other sounds good.
S6.L1 what does "over all above" mean?
Overall a pleasant read, enjoy the fantasy.Best Loretta