06-23-2014, 03:41 AM
(06-22-2014, 09:16 PM)poe Wrote: hypo,
let me say at the outset that without competent punctuation this stands very little chance of being taken "seriously". The sheer inadequacy of the piece in this area alone makes reading a chore. Problematically, any clear intent or clever nuance is lost before daylight comes. In S1 you fail to guide the reader towards the coloned conclusion ( incorrectly capitalising "beauty") by failing to seperate clauses. As to the word use, I can only wonder at your ability to cobble together fibrillation, romance, breath, intent and object in to such close proximity that critical mass is reached without nuclear fusion causing runaway meltdown. What does it all mean to the man in the street...you may as well be talking Navaho...you're not Navaho, are you
More in the text, but I fear I will not get to the end.
Flutter, flutter, you are the
utter romance of the breath
a fibrillation of intent upon your object What is your object? No. I don't want to know
heaven sent: Beauty in its pure incantation.
Flutter, flutter,
a trembled breath,
the fern feathered eyelashes' fluttered moment went. Went what...or where? Whose eylashes? Did they fall off? What is fluttering? Breath, hearts, eyelashes...all of the above. It is just not clear enough to make sense or obscure enough to be deliberate.
It tricked the eye to believe What is "it"? Please, just something solid l can get purchase on
it let sparkles fly. Now you believe in "it" but you forgot to tell the bloody reader what "it" is...exept that "it" let "sparkles(?)" fly. Lost me.
So while beauty's breast heaves up
as heaven's trend it then
falls down again as earth's revenge. Gobbledygook of the first order. You win this week's Prof. S. Unwin Poulet Surprise.
Flutter, flutter, you are the
five fingers of my heart. Huh?
What reigns instead behind a queen's
departure. Huh huh? Is this a question? OK. Why does a mouse when it spins? You don't know? Obviously, it's because the higher they get, the fewer. Sheesh.
For as time betrays all
but the memory of the once fresh and young,
beauty will cause this flutter, to flutter, now
the newly aching heart. A timely end.
Look, I can tell you have something to say. Explain by writing side notes against your poem what each line means. Do it slowly in the privacy of your own bedroom, then scrap the poem and post up the notes...after punctuating.
Best,
tectak
October 2006
