Portrait of a Lost Poet (edit 2)

[tectak]

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Hi tectak: thanks for your crits; really helpful; and very much appreciated, love the "trapped in a maze". In S2, age is meant to be in contrast to debonair, ergo "though". Is "With age, through aspirations debonair" a sentence? No...but "With age, though aspirations debonair, the spirit of the Bard awaits him there" ...is.I know what you mean about the last line; then why don't I want to give it up? Because I want to add intrigue? Then say something intriguing. As it is, the question itself is up in the air.

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hmmm it seems to be becoming more comprehensible now. I think you want a sonnet for this. But you need a metaphor first so, Try opening with the theater line then, following that line of thought, build the metaphor by letting his acts mannerisms, and appearances (remember you said portrait) on stage symbolically echo his private life. It's been done many times, but I think you have the beginnings of a new contrast to that echo in the second part than can make it work.

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hmmm it seems to be becoming more comprehensible now. I think you want a sonnet for this. But you need a metaphor first so, Try opening with the theater line then, following that line of thought, build the metaphor by letting his acts mannerisms, and appearances (remember you said portrait) on stage symbolically echo his private life. It's been done many times, but I think you have the beginnings of a new contrast to that echo in the second part than can make it work.

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Hi trueenigma: Thank you for reading and commenting. I found your suggestions to be very helpful; and I think you will see I have added some more theater and mannerism, Cheers Loretta

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Hi tectak: thanks for your crits; really helpful; and very much appreciated, love the "trapped in a maze". In S2, age is meant to be in contrast to debonair, ergo "though". Is "With age, through aspirations debonair" a sentence? I know what you mean about the last line; then why don't I want to give it up? Because I want to add intrigue?

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Hi trueenigma: Thank you for reading and commenting. I found your suggestions to be very helpful; and I think you will see I have added some more theater and mannerism, Cheers Loretta

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tectak: I am thinking a lot about the last two lines; and I see it as a philosophical and psychological question because I came from there: I myself would answer the question thus: that I am here, doing this, is testament that he could pluck the Bard from the lofty air. I could write research papers; but the literary aspect; words and phrases like "maze" and sychopanthic": what a treat of learning. Thanks, really, Loretta

Hi Loretta,
Slightly off message but I think you need a colonoscopy with a view to surgical removal
Best,
tectak