Portrait of a Lost Poet (edit 2)

[LorettaYoung]

Portrait of a Lost Poet (edit 2, Erthona)

He's lost himself, the truth within him dazed, Surely " He's lost himself, like truth trapped in a maze," Lost you see...in a maze...where you get lost. Oh, I give up
cast aside for sycophantic praise.
His pride is built on flattery and cheers,
impressing his admirers and peers. built...then it must be " constructed by admirers and peers."
On stage his work was classic theater parts;
from the likes of Shakespeare, Williams, Sartre. "from the likes of" is weak. I mean, it is not as if we are short of playwrites.
Socially, he flourished words of art,
the poet hidden from real life apart. Dreadfully clumsy rhyme. Your turn to improve this one...assuming you think that's what I've been doing

He seeks to overcome the commonplace.
His quickly aging ass would like to grace
a plush and comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, dismissed poetic flair. Still excellent and so stands out. If you can get the rest to this standard....
As one with practiced wits and charm as he,
his nets are cast with care and subtlety. Odd metaphor which does not hook or net me
He tires now with effort climbs the stair He tires now; with effort climbs the stairs
and breathless falls upon the nearest chair. Your poem. Stairs and chair as an off rhyme is just fine. Better than climbs THE stair. Note the period. Everytime you write a sentence USE one.
and breathless falls upon that cozy chair,
with age, though aspirations debonair. New sentence. "With age, through aspirations debonair,
the spirit of the Bard awaits him there.

The Bard's spirit is waiting for him there,
Will he pluck it from the lofty air? This last line is hopelessly rhetorical and quite superfluous. All is opinion...drop it

Best,
tectak


Portrait of a Lost Poet (edit 1: title change: tectak, Brownlie, Billy, Trueenigma)

A lost poet;
He wanders from himself,
but doesn't know it.
He sees a mentor gain him place,
to please his clique, promote his face.
He thrives on flattery and cheers,
impressing his admirers and peers.
On stage his words were classic parts;
from masters like Williams, Miller and Sartre.
Socially he flourished words of art,
words divided from his self apart.
Is he now upon the stage,
or words and heart in life engaged?

He seeks to overcome the commonplace.
His quickly aging ass would like to grace
a plush and comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, unknown poetic flair.
As one of practiced wits and charm as he
his nets are cast with care and subtlety.
He tires and with effort climbs the stair
and breathless, with age, falls upon a chair,
The Bard's spirit awaits him there,
Will he pluck it from the lofty air?

PRACTICE (ERTHONA)
Portrait of a lost poet,

He's lost himself, the truth within him dazed
cast aside for sycophantic praise.
His pride is built on flattery and cheers
impressing his admirers and peers
On stage his work was classic theater parts
The likes of Shakespeare, Miller, Williams, Sartre
Socially he flourished words of art,
the poet hidden from real life apart

---

Hi tectak: thanks for your crits; really helpful; and very much appreciated, love the "trapped in a maze". In S2, age is meant to be in contrast to debonair, ergo "though". Is "With age, through aspirations debonair" a sentence? I know what you mean about the last line; then why don't I want to give it up? Because I want to add intrigue?

---

hmmm it seems to be becoming more comprehensible now. I think you want a sonnet for this. But you need a metaphor first so, Try opening with the theater line then, following that line of thought, build the metaphor by letting his acts mannerisms, and appearances (remember you said portrait) on stage symbolically echo his private life. It's been done many times, but I think you have the beginnings of a new contrast to that echo in the second part than can make it work.

---

hmmm it seems to be becoming more comprehensible now. I think you want a sonnet for this. But you need a metaphor first so, Try opening with the theater line then, following that line of thought, build the metaphor by letting his acts mannerisms, and appearances (remember you said portrait) on stage symbolically echo his private life. It's been done many times, but I think you have the beginnings of a new contrast to that echo in the second part than can make it work.

---

Hi trueenigma: Thank you for reading and commenting. I found your suggestions to be very helpful; and I think you will see I have added some more theater and mannerism, Cheers Loretta

---

Portrait of a Lost Poet (edit 2, Erthona)

He's lost himself, the truth within him dazed, Surely " He's lost himself, like truth trapped in a maze," Lost you see...in a maze...where you get lost. Oh, I give up
cast aside for sycophantic praise.
His pride is built on flattery and cheers,
impressing his admirers and peers. built...then it must be " constructed by admirers and peers."
On stage his work was classic theater parts;
from the likes of Shakespeare, Williams, Sartre. "from the likes of" is weak. I mean, it is not as if we are short of playwrites.
Socially, he flourished words of art,
the poet hidden from real life apart. Dreadfully clumsy rhyme. Your turn to improve this one...assuming you think that's what I've been doing

He seeks to overcome the commonplace.
His quickly aging ass would like to grace
a plush and comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, dismissed poetic flair. Still excellent and so stands out. If you can get the rest to this standard....
As one with practiced wits and charm as he,
his nets are cast with care and subtlety. Odd metaphor which does not hook or net me
He tires now with effort climbs the stair He tires now; with effort climbs the stairs
and breathless falls upon the nearest chair. Your poem. Stairs and chair as an off rhyme is just fine. Better than climbs THE stair. Note the period. Everytime you write a sentence USE one.
and breathless falls upon that cozy chair,
with age, though aspirations debonair. New sentence. "With age, through aspirations debonair,
the spirit of the Bard awaits him there.

The Bard's spirit is waiting for him there,
Will he pluck it from the lofty air? This last line is hopelessly rhetorical and quite superfluous. All is opinion...drop it

Best,
tectak


Portrait of a Lost Poet (edit 1: title change: tectak, Brownlie, Billy, Trueenigma)

A lost poet;
He wanders from himself,
but doesn't know it.
He sees a mentor gain him place,
to please his clique, promote his face.
He thrives on flattery and cheers,
impressing his admirers and peers.
On stage his words were classic parts;
from masters like Williams, Miller and Sartre.
Socially he flourished words of art,
words divided from his self apart.
Is he now upon the stage,
or words and heart in life engaged?

He seeks to overcome the commonplace.
His quickly aging ass would like to grace
a plush and comfy padded rocking chair;
with, what else, unknown poetic flair.
As one of practiced wits and charm as he
his nets are cast with care and subtlety.
He tires and with effort climbs the stair
and breathless, with age, falls upon a chair,
The Bard's spirit awaits him there,
Will he pluck it from the lofty air?

PRACTICE (ERTHONA)
Portrait of a lost poet,

He's lost himself, the truth within him dazed
cast aside for sycophantic praise.
His pride is built on flattery and cheers
impressing his admirers and peers
On stage his work was classic theater parts
The likes of Shakespeare, Miller, Williams, Sartre
Socially he flourished words of art,
the poet hidden from real life apart

---

Hi tectak: thanks for your crits; really helpful; and very much appreciated, love the "trapped in a maze". In S2, age is meant to be in contrast to debonair, ergo "though". Is "With age, through aspirations debonair" a sentence? I know what you mean about the last line; then why don't I want to give it up? Because I want to add intrigue?

---

hmmm it seems to be becoming more comprehensible now. I think you want a sonnet for this. But you need a metaphor first so, Try opening with the theater line then, following that line of thought, build the metaphor by letting his acts mannerisms, and appearances (remember you said portrait) on stage symbolically echo his private life. It's been done many times, but I think you have the beginnings of a new contrast to that echo in the second part than can make it work.

---

hmmm it seems to be becoming more comprehensible now. I think you want a sonnet for this. But you need a metaphor first so, Try opening with the theater line then, following that line of thought, build the metaphor by letting his acts mannerisms, and appearances (remember you said portrait) on stage symbolically echo his private life. It's been done many times, but I think you have the beginnings of a new contrast to that echo in the second part than can make it work.

---

Hi trueenigma: Thank you for reading and commenting. I found your suggestions to be very helpful; and I think you will see I have added some more theater and mannerism, Cheers Loretta

---

tectak: I am thinking a lot about the last two lines; and I see it as a philosophical and psychological question because I came from there: I myself would answer the question thus: that I am here, doing this, is testament that he could pluck the Bard from the lofty air. I could write research papers; but the literary aspect; words and phrases like "maze" and sychopanthic": what a treat of learning. Thanks, really, Loretta