06-21-2014, 04:53 AM
Two quatrains written in ballad meter, adequately done. Nice bouncy feel to it. Seems appropriated to the subject.
If one were going for the Sisyphus connection, it should read:
"He pushed the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll back down;"
Thus, it would illustrate the same futility as in the myth. However there is not enough here to say that it is what the writer means, using the above would define that in terms of the "same things keep happening over and over" e.g. "then woke up next to her." Here one assumes "her" is someone who he picked up at the bar, and as his vision was blurry, "she" was probably not a looker. So, I do not know if that was your intent, but tying in the myth of Sisyphus, gives it an understandable extended metaphor which in turn would give it more depth.
Dale
If one were going for the Sisyphus connection, it should read:
"He pushed the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll back down;"
Thus, it would illustrate the same futility as in the myth. However there is not enough here to say that it is what the writer means, using the above would define that in terms of the "same things keep happening over and over" e.g. "then woke up next to her." Here one assumes "her" is someone who he picked up at the bar, and as his vision was blurry, "she" was probably not a looker. So, I do not know if that was your intent, but tying in the myth of Sisyphus, gives it an understandable extended metaphor which in turn would give it more depth.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.