06-20-2014, 03:39 AM
Hi crow, I thought I would take the first stab at your poem. However, after multiple reads, it raises more questions for me than recommendations that I can provide for you. Nonetheless, perhaps your answers to queries will help both you and your readers
The plot is a bit vague:
• There’s hiding sleepers on the mountain
• Your Kite snags while distracted
• ‘He’ does lots of climbing
• Someone you are addressing ‘bird beaks YY’
• You close a door
Is that a ‘jagged’ rose? (a typo?)
Regarding: The sun. The blowing leaf. The preening light. It may be better to use commas here than periods you chose.
Do you mean ‘restlessly’? (a typo?)
In stanza 2, who is the ‘he,’ one of the mountain climbers/sleepers?
Who is the you in ‘your’, a new character, the audience of your narrator?
What is Y Y, how should we read it, why why?
That is all for now.
/Chris
The plot is a bit vague:
• There’s hiding sleepers on the mountain
• Your Kite snags while distracted
• ‘He’ does lots of climbing
• Someone you are addressing ‘bird beaks YY’
• You close a door
Is that a ‘jagged’ rose? (a typo?)
Regarding: The sun. The blowing leaf. The preening light. It may be better to use commas here than periods you chose.
Do you mean ‘restlessly’? (a typo?)
In stanza 2, who is the ‘he,’ one of the mountain climbers/sleepers?
Who is the you in ‘your’, a new character, the audience of your narrator?
What is Y Y, how should we read it, why why?
That is all for now.
/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris