06-19-2014, 11:44 PM
Murder
The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles
as perfect murder weapons. I LIKE THE IDEA BUT NOT THE EXECUTION HERE. HERE, I THINK YOU CAN ALLUDE TO THE FROSTINESS IN THE HOME, IN THE BED, IN THEIR HEARTS. I ALSO THINK THAT CONTRACTING GIVES A GREATER SENSE OF PANIC, OF SUFFOCATION, AND ALSO HINTS AT DIMINISHED SEXUAL CONNECTION
Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through I LIKE THE STILTS, THEY'RE SO CREEPY, CIRCUSY, VOYEURISTIC
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. SO GOOD! Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities. I SEE THAT YOU ARE FORESHADOWING THE METAPHORICAL "BODIES IN THE POND" HERE BUT I THINK YOU CAN WORK ON THE EXECUTION OF THIS IDEA. I'M NOT EVEN SURE YOU NEED THESE TWO AND A HALF LINES
Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies
of our hollow wedding vows.
SO good! I loved reading this.
The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles
as perfect murder weapons. I LIKE THE IDEA BUT NOT THE EXECUTION HERE. HERE, I THINK YOU CAN ALLUDE TO THE FROSTINESS IN THE HOME, IN THE BED, IN THEIR HEARTS. I ALSO THINK THAT CONTRACTING GIVES A GREATER SENSE OF PANIC, OF SUFFOCATION, AND ALSO HINTS AT DIMINISHED SEXUAL CONNECTION
Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through I LIKE THE STILTS, THEY'RE SO CREEPY, CIRCUSY, VOYEURISTIC
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. SO GOOD! Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities. I SEE THAT YOU ARE FORESHADOWING THE METAPHORICAL "BODIES IN THE POND" HERE BUT I THINK YOU CAN WORK ON THE EXECUTION OF THIS IDEA. I'M NOT EVEN SURE YOU NEED THESE TWO AND A HALF LINES
Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies
of our hollow wedding vows.
SO good! I loved reading this.