KerPlunk

[tectak]

He set the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll on down;
it hit a rock and then a twig Hill, rock...twig(?). Tree, surely.
then stopped on flatter ground.you could lose the double "and" and the double "then" with a simple restructure:
"it hit a rock, glanced of a tree,
coming to rest on flatter ground"

your poem.


He took a drink before the bar...or after the bar. Strains of "Sir, you farted before my wife....Oh, sorry, I didn't know it was her turn"
and watched his vision blur; Interesting way of putting it. Almost like saying he clearly saw his vision blur". I kind of think you got away with this. I couldn't
he bounced around inside his mind
then woke up next to her. Cute and unexpected. I am unsure how this happened, or why it happened, or indeed, what the overall message is...but for some reason I don't care. Hmmm

Hi WJ,
There is something appealing in this one but I am not sure it would or is edified by thoughts of Sisyphus It lives in its completeness as a cute cameo using the Kerplunk metaphor as a clue;being the title.
Because you use ABCB DEFE rhyme the first and third lines become largely irrelevant in the form of the piece such that you COULD just make each of the two stanzas rhyming couplets AA BB...now ask me why. Well, to be honest, it is because when read out loud the line breaks just do not figure in the oration. If the line breaks were punctuational (and if that ain't a word it should be) then fair do's...but they are not. So why not.
Nothing wrong with a four line poem as long as everything counts and you have not got much padding in this one as it is; a good thick short one will beat a good thin long one every time, in spite of what some may say
Obvious nits I have tried to pinpoint in the text but overall it is sound.
Best,
tectak