06-19-2014, 12:38 PM
(06-19-2014, 06:37 AM)bena Wrote: I'm going to have to agree with some of the advice you've been given, and disagree with other points.
This poem does need more concrete images or memories to make it better and less one-size-fits-all broad strokes. Even if it isn't autobiographical, I am sure you have experiences of your own to draw from. And anyone who says this isn't a problem that all poets struggle with is lying to you. I am probably one of the worst to wander off into obscurity.
Stretched and curled: fix by using "then" instead of "and," because I'm pretty sure that's what you meant anyway.
"Tenderly...tiny toddler..." awesome assonance and alteration. Adorable. (see what I did there? snickers)
"But the tell" is a bit awkward. I know what it means, but the sentence construction as is had me misreading it as "but the tale." Not really sure how to fix that one.
S2 L1 has the same kind of clarity issue. I know after reading twice what you mean, but every time a reader gets distracted by construction it pops them out of the poem ever so briefly, instead of keeping them absorbed the way you want them.
S3 L1 isn't crafted as well as it could be. Try reading your poems aloud and check for things of this nature. It is the only way I catch the cumbersome nature of certain lines of my work.
As far as teaching sites go---this is one of two that I would rank as the best on the web (the other one being mine) and if I were you, I'd not go any where!
I think with a bit of revision this would work much better. Happy writing!
bena
Hi Fim: I am sorry I phrased my critique as I did; as I mention there I'm in a similar boat; feeling that a lot of my work may not be poems.
As I said I very much appreciated the sentiments; just did not understand the way it is put together; but again, as I said and say, and believe, I am not a poet to judge that kind of way. Still, happy Father's day. Best Loretta