Cigarette Smoke

[Erthona]

Cigarette smoke dulls....5
all of which is beautiful..7
I can breathe again......5

This is a well worn theme, almost to the point of cliche. This poem doesn't really bring anything fresh to the theme. I'm also not convinced that this is the best format for the topic. In terms of a Haiku, there is no cutting word, or seasonal reference. Plus the change is too abrupt. I think you need to allow yourself more room. The following is not a suggestion, just and example:

Cigarette smoke dulls my senses
I want to see beauty of life again.
Abandoning this worthless habit,
I gain back what I lost;
I can breathe and smell again.

Also, I have check, and you have commented more than you are given credit for. Hopefully this will get resolved soon.

Dale

Thanks for the opportunity to post this reminder.
While all posts are appreciated, only critiques in the Novice, Mild or Serious workshops count towards the five needed for full membership. ella