Murder

[ChristopherSea]

"Nights were busy dilating" Sorry, but I would never have read this as the nights were growing longer. still it should probably read, simply "Nights were dilating". I still don't think dilating is a go word for "getting longer"

"Death came to our home on stilts" Sorry, I didn't see the anthropomorphism of Death. Maybe.

"Death came to our home on stilts,
peered through our frosted bedroom window
and saw that kisses leave tiny bruises
which amass until the kissing stops;..."

"Death offered autonomy, a nascent leaf, an algal bloom of possibilities" I get "Death offered autonomy", I'm just not sure why you put what comes after. The idea is already clear, what follows is more commentary, and it seems superfluous.

Did you mean: "a nascent leaf, of algal bloom possibilities"? That would work I think.


Dale

OK Dale. The leaf and algae were supposed to foreshadow the 'bodies' in the backyard pond as well. Let me take another look. Thanks again./Chris

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Loretta/Dale/QDS/Cyf edit1 Thank you

Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood
coming for others,
but it was our time, The suspect intro is not very interesting, maybe if you were describing a "suspect" in a new and interesting way that supports you metaphor, but I don't think that's needed here. The poem starts at "our season" for me; choose one of the participles and replace it with a verb, maybe something like this but better:


our season, with the nights
dilating--becoming frigid--grew icicles
as murder weapons.


Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom The short lines with random brakes begin to grow tiresome at this point.
window and saw: that kisses The colon and all of the "that's have got to go, maybe try simplifying:

Death came on stilts,
peeked through the frost
on the second-floor bedroom window,
and saw the tiny bruises
that our kisses left.
He watched us climb under the sheets--
me with the earplugs
her with the headphone--
limbs creaking from atrophy,
the I.V. bags dripping
cold morphine
and old accusations.


leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;cut.

that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;cut. trite. also, mute silence, deaf silence, quiet silence, silent silence--redundant.
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
each other in the process[/b]simplify

Inviting death into our home
offered autonomy, a nascent leaf in life,
an algal bloom of possibilities. [b]Best stanza, maybe start here.

Foul playCut
was uncoveredcut:

late morning:
authorities dragged the pond
behind the house, found two bodies and an icicle
but no fingerprints.

They caught the vow later
with a briefcase full of cash
buying a one-way ticket to mexico.



of our hollow wedding vows.


--------------------------------
Murder

The suspect
had been spotted
around the neighborhood in the past
coming for others,
but it was our season now.
Nights were busy
dilating, growing icicles
as perfect murder weapons.

Death came to our home
on stilts, peered through
our frosted bedroom
window and saw: that kisses
leave tiny bruises which amass
until the kissing stops;
that we went to bed
in mute silence, slept dreamless;
that we were not conscious
of how to love without killing
ourselves in the process. Death offered
autonomy, a nascent leaf,
an algal bloom of possibilities.

Foul play
was eventually uncovered
in late morning when authorities
dragged the pond
behind the house and discovered
the missing bodies

of our hollow wedding

TrueE, much obliged for your time and detailed analysis. You have some great ideas. I found your two closing alternatives very amusing./Chris