Father's Day Poem

[fim]

Hands of Time
fim 6/13/14

Old wrinkled fingers stretched and curled
tenderly grasping the tiny toddler’s hand,
but the tell was the sparkle that was ever-so evident
in the eyes of the elderly man.

As my father and son walked hand in hand
my heart swelled with overwhelming joy,
I was certain I was watching how the man who raised me
cherished me as a little boy.

My memory can’t remember back that far,
though I know he loved me throughout his life,
I’d like to think I provided him with the joy
that I can now see in his eyes.

A father is a care-giver who is forever imprinted
on the hearts and minds of the children he raised,
a person who lives beyond the number of his years
in stories in which he is praised.

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Hi Film; Happy Father's Day tomorrow; your sentiments indicate that your mind looks into the deeper things. But, to be honest, nice words, but not a poem. You tried, that was good. I am in a similar boat; there are really good teaching sites that will tell you what you need to do. Good luck, Loretta

Loretta,
I am surprised you got away with that critique without a moderator's intervention. Yea, I am a little pissed at your arrogance. I guess your definition of what poetry is the end-all, huh? Read billy's critique below to see how it is done ... properly.
fim

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Hands of Time
fim 6/13/14

Old wrinkled fingers stretched and curled
tenderly grasping the tiny toddler’s hand,
but the tell was the sparkle that was ever-so evident
in the eyes of the elderly man.

As my father and son walked hand in hand
my heart swelled with overwhelming joy,
I was certain I was watching how the man who raised me
cherished me as a little boy.

My memory can’t remember back that far,
though I know he loved me throughout his life,
I’d like to think I provided him with the joy
that I can now see in his eyes.

A father is a care-giver who is forever imprinted
on the hearts and minds of the children he raised,
a person who lives beyond the number of his years
in stories in which he is praised.

---

Hi Film; Happy Father's Day tomorrow; your sentiments indicate that your mind looks into the deeper things. But, to be honest, nice words, but not a poem. You tried, that was good. I am in a similar boat; there are really good teaching sites that will tell you what you need to do. Good luck, Loretta

Loretta,
I am surprised you got away with that critique without a moderator's intervention. Yea, I am a little pissed at your arrogance. I guess your definition of what poetry is the end-all, huh? Read billy's critique below to see how it is done ... properly.
fim

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hi fim.

this link shows how to format for spaces and indents

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i think some of the lines could be more solid if you left some things out and let the reader do some of the work

tenderly grasping the tiny toddler’s hand,
tenderly grasps the tiny hand,

but the tell was the sparkle that was ever-so evident
the tell; an evident sparkle


Old wrinkled fingers stretched and curled
tenderly grasped the tiny hand,
the tell; an evident sparkle
in the eyes of the elderly man.

please don't see it as a rewrite, it was just easier doing it that way than trying to sat the same thing in the body of the poem proper.
i find it hard to give feedback on this kind of poem as i don't know if it's personal or not, but it's in serious so i'm replying as normal.

i think a stricter meter might also help you cut some of the slackness out of the poem, also check out your rhymes, can they be done better?

why A father and not My father in the last verse

as always thanks for the read.

Hands of Time
fim 6/13/14

Old wrinkled fingers stretched and curled
        tenderly grasping the tiny toddler’s hand,
but the tell was the sparkle that was ever-so evident
        in the eyes of the elderly man.

As my father and son walked hand in hand
        my heart swelled with overwhelming joy,
I was certain I was watching how the man who raised me
        cherished me as a little boy.

My memory can’t remember back that far,
        though I know he loved me throughout his life,
I’d like to think I provided him with the joy
        that I can now see in his eyes.

A father is a care-giver who is forever imprinted
        on the hearts and minds of the children he raised,
a person who lives beyond the number of his years
        in stories in which he is praised.

billy,
thanks a bunch! your suggestions are terrific. really appreciate you taking the time to give thoughtful critical feedback.
fim