Swallow
#6
(06-15-2014, 11:48 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  
(06-15-2014, 10:38 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Swallow

Tough meat,
but I've learned nothing yet,
if I don't tenderize it,
and make it food for joy.

If I am Solomon enough,
to suffer its taste in my mouth,
and learn to swallow this last bite:

that nourishment is not always palatable,

I will stay hunger,
and not thirst.

Overall, I like what you've done here. But there are two things that jump out as a bit awkward for me.

"And make it food for joy"... I think that joy i a poor word choice, especially when you consider you talk about nourishment despite not being palatable... Im thinking of a word like growth or enrichment... Something besides the base feeling joy.


Secondly, the last stanza, you stay hunger but not thirst? Why are you bringing up thirst. I think it's me missing something, here, though.



Thanks for the read.

...learn to swallow this last bite: that nourishment is not always palatable, I will stay hunger, and not thirst.

I can't make sense of the the last part of the sentence (after the comma) in relation to the first part.....

Tiger: to me the thirst that remains is the intellectual message; along with Solomon, Best, Loretta.
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Messages In This Thread
Swallow - by Tiger the Lion - 06-15-2014, 10:38 AM
RE: Swallow - by LorettaYoung - 06-15-2014, 11:32 AM
RE: Swallow - by Tiger the Lion - 06-15-2014, 11:44 AM
RE: Swallow - by QDeathstar - 06-15-2014, 11:48 AM
RE: Swallow - by LorettaYoung - 06-15-2014, 12:13 PM
RE: Swallow - by Tiger the Lion - 06-15-2014, 12:10 PM
RE: Swallow - by Erthona - 06-15-2014, 02:38 PM
RE: Swallow - by Tiger the Lion - 06-15-2014, 10:28 PM
RE: Swallow - by jakesalive86 - 06-16-2014, 12:10 AM
RE: Swallow - by Tiger the Lion - 06-16-2014, 11:04 AM



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