06-15-2014, 09:57 AM
Hi Chris. Enjoyed this one very much.
After considering the poem and all the comments, I really like where you are going in the edit. I really didn't like "in the past" in the 3rd line, but I see it is gone. In the same vein, I think there might be too many instances of the word "our". --Our time, our season, our home X2, our hollow wedding vows. I think the first 2 instances are important to establish that it became personal to the speaker. From there, I would avoid "our". The last line in particular reads much stronger without it, for my preference.
the missing bodies
of hollow wedding vows
After considering the poem and all the comments, I really like where you are going in the edit. I really didn't like "in the past" in the 3rd line, but I see it is gone. In the same vein, I think there might be too many instances of the word "our". --Our time, our season, our home X2, our hollow wedding vows. I think the first 2 instances are important to establish that it became personal to the speaker. From there, I would avoid "our". The last line in particular reads much stronger without it, for my preference.
the missing bodies
of hollow wedding vows