06-11-2014, 01:47 PM
Underground
for seventeen years
they grew and waited;
As light strengthens
they climb high, cling
to tree trunks, branches, twigs;
reeds bend under their weight.
Their creamy skins darken, < creamy is not a color, there are many things that a re creamy beside cold cream, or cream>
split, reveal black gargoyles with <"then split to reveal...">
glassy red pinhead eyes. Crawling,
they leave their husks behind. Crinkled
thumb-sized wings pump up,
stretch and set. Then
the din begins: first painful light, <"painful" was disruptive for me>
struggle to climb, torment of split skin,
all given voice until the air shakes
and shrieks like an unoiled machine. Within
that alien orchestration you can hear
the faint mechanical chant of a choir –
the one in St. Augustine’s cathedral
that so terrified you as a child.
Most of my comments are stylistic, although they were also directed at what I felt from my own reading were disruptive.
I don't think the enjambment is generally working here, primarily because every time it occurred I said to myself, "Oh, enjambment". I'll admit I'm not a big fan of enjambment, but that has more to do with how most people use it, or overuse it, not against it when used well.
I do like the idea and there are some really good images here.
Dale
for seventeen years
they grew and waited;
As light strengthens
they climb high, cling
to tree trunks, branches, twigs;
reeds bend under their weight.
Their creamy skins darken, < creamy is not a color, there are many things that a re creamy beside cold cream, or cream>
split, reveal black gargoyles with <"then split to reveal...">
glassy red pinhead eyes. Crawling,
they leave their husks behind. Crinkled
thumb-sized wings pump up,
stretch and set. Then
the din begins: first painful light, <"painful" was disruptive for me>
struggle to climb, torment of split skin,
all given voice until the air shakes
and shrieks like an unoiled machine. Within
that alien orchestration you can hear
the faint mechanical chant of a choir –
the one in St. Augustine’s cathedral
that so terrified you as a child.
Most of my comments are stylistic, although they were also directed at what I felt from my own reading were disruptive.
I don't think the enjambment is generally working here, primarily because every time it occurred I said to myself, "Oh, enjambment". I'll admit I'm not a big fan of enjambment, but that has more to do with how most people use it, or overuse it, not against it when used well.
I do like the idea and there are some really good images here.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.