Commuting (Edit 1.1)

[Joey Automata]

Edit 1 (Brownlie)

The car knows the route with no help from me

Love the first line. "with no help from me." Great line. It's true. Reminds me of driving to school/work still half asleep and unconsciously making all the right turns.

which opens my mind to play poetry.

Like the verb "play" before poetry. It's like poetry is a game on your phone or something. Good word choice. Unexpected, which makes it good.

The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup
while the radio prods me to "Funk it up!"

I like how the poem picked up a little rhythm in this line. It plays with the current state of the poem. As the character in the poem is "rattling off rhymes" the poem itself picks up a little rhythm. How very meta.

I shuffle lost stanzas, stray commas and try
to find the right order as exits speed by.

Love shuffling lost stanzas. It's like your mind is an information bank and you're sorting through discarded or forgotten poems. Sorta how poems actually work. New poems are usually a mixture of old and new ideas and lines.

A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.

I like the ending if it's saying what I think it's saying. Are you half jokingly say you hope you remember where you parked? Overall, it's a real fun poem. I liked every word and every line. That doesn't happen often. It doesn't have more than what it needs. Too often poetry is cluttered. Potentially great poems just have too much going on and it ruins it. But this poem is great. Good stuff.
Original


The car knows the route with no help from me
which leaves my mind open to play poetry.
The rhymes rattle 'round like coins in a monk's cup
while the radio urges me to "Funk it up!"
I shuffle stubborn stanzas and try
to find the right order as miles fly by.
A dance in my seat gets the meter to spark,
the trick's to retrieve it after I park.