06-11-2014, 08:45 AM
Hi abu
Thank you for taking the time and such a considered comment, I had missed that the two lines, rubbish/reverse doesn't work and I will try to fix that. I'm not sure this one has the space for the detail required to do London's skyline justice, I guess I was trying to capture more of a feeling than images but I have done a little of both. Having no picture leaves it generic this could be a bad thing when I chose to name the city in the title and I do take note of your comment. It is always the detail that interests me and I have details on all the places you mention, so I will think about a separate poem. Many thanks Keith
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Keith,
I agree there is a problem of length. Thinking about it again, I see that you have noises covered, but no visuals or smell. It might be possible to have it still readable (on the basis that most people don't read what they perceive to be long poems), by adding a line to each stanza, perhaps the first line, and this might describe an area, and some visual stuff in it, but so as to enhance what followed.
It often happens that natives are not good at describing their surroundings, because as they write, they have a picture of some sort in their head, and subconsciously assume that the reader will have the same picture. A foreigner, or stranger, tends to think ''Wow!'' and to convey that. But yes, a rather cosy second poem might be good. E
Thank you for taking the time and such a considered comment, I had missed that the two lines, rubbish/reverse doesn't work and I will try to fix that. I'm not sure this one has the space for the detail required to do London's skyline justice, I guess I was trying to capture more of a feeling than images but I have done a little of both. Having no picture leaves it generic this could be a bad thing when I chose to name the city in the title and I do take note of your comment. It is always the detail that interests me and I have details on all the places you mention, so I will think about a separate poem. Many thanks Keith
[/quote]
Keith,
I agree there is a problem of length. Thinking about it again, I see that you have noises covered, but no visuals or smell. It might be possible to have it still readable (on the basis that most people don't read what they perceive to be long poems), by adding a line to each stanza, perhaps the first line, and this might describe an area, and some visual stuff in it, but so as to enhance what followed.
It often happens that natives are not good at describing their surroundings, because as they write, they have a picture of some sort in their head, and subconsciously assume that the reader will have the same picture. A foreigner, or stranger, tends to think ''Wow!'' and to convey that. But yes, a rather cosy second poem might be good. E