06-10-2014, 05:04 AM
(06-07-2014, 12:17 AM)tectak Wrote: I'm not sure what happened to him, but I do vaguely remember having some exchanges with the man.There are some cool near homophonic puns on the name Serge in this piece. I made some quick comments. Thanks for posting. What happened to him?
The Serge is passed, but no bore he; his wall of words that flooded out, --- I'm not sure if that article before the semicolon is grammatically sound.
channelling a rough gouged course, was fine by me. I read him well
by taking out the rage and fear, what there remained is ever held upon
the page; but you must look to see or sometimes even peer. -- I think your syntax is a little off here. Maybe, what remained there if that doesn't screw up any metrical patterns. "ever held" also seems a bit awkward.
This man of gods and devils made another world where words were food;
sated by the feast he stuffed himself replete and vomited his wild excess
on to the plates of all of us who got too close. Forensically, we few who took the chance -- Not a bad bit of enjambment here.
to look at what was there, a potent cocktail, that would and did kill many a man,
was slow to work its other poisons...thank god for that at least. Sergical procedures
had him laughing to his end wherever that would be...he was my friend.
We never met, like best friends never should. He could not stay the while it took -- I'm not sure about repeating the word never.
to put a root into some common and accepted place but chose to race against
reality and by his speed reach ecstacy before the time had come to simply shake a hand
and say "Hello". This then, cannot be goodbye. The Gurkski gondola has tied up to a final post; -- Period inside the quotes.
though moored loose he will not leave again. No need for chains against this slackening tide, Serge;
hold fast and one day, we all will come to you.
For Serge Gurkski -- Maybe put the dedication in the beginning.
(We know where you are and you are barred for life.) -- This might go well in the beginning too.