06-09-2014, 09:03 AM
Keith,
I liked this a lot in its original form, and I find this edit quite delightful - and I am a Londoner. There are just two things you might consider:
1 ) ''Rubbish crushed by talking trucks
reverse away a day of waste''.
This appears to make 'rubbish' the subject of 'reverse' which would then need to be 'reverses'. You obviously don't wish to put 'which' after 'trucks' to make grammatical sense. The only possible solution I can think of, would be a dash after trucks, so that it would have the sense of a command 'Reverse away...'
2 ) I recognise all too well the hustle and bustle, the tunnels which do throw out hundreds of passengers/commuters; but where is the city? Where are the constantly changing sky-lines, the Thames, the buses? Are we by Westminster tube, looking at the Houses of Parliament and across to St Thomases? In the heart of the City by the Gherkin? In the shadow of the Shard? Are we in Knightsbridge by the Park, or Harrods? Camden or Hampstead even? Canary Wharf?
I am sure you were aiming at something general -but even so, there is no picture. I am not sure that this comment can be of much help, as I doubt you want to expand it to an epic, and it would need to be a little longer to encompass some more picture-painting stuff. However, if you have doubts about some parts, perhaps this would help.
I liked this a lot in its original form, and I find this edit quite delightful - and I am a Londoner. There are just two things you might consider:
1 ) ''Rubbish crushed by talking trucks
reverse away a day of waste''.
This appears to make 'rubbish' the subject of 'reverse' which would then need to be 'reverses'. You obviously don't wish to put 'which' after 'trucks' to make grammatical sense. The only possible solution I can think of, would be a dash after trucks, so that it would have the sense of a command 'Reverse away...'
2 ) I recognise all too well the hustle and bustle, the tunnels which do throw out hundreds of passengers/commuters; but where is the city? Where are the constantly changing sky-lines, the Thames, the buses? Are we by Westminster tube, looking at the Houses of Parliament and across to St Thomases? In the heart of the City by the Gherkin? In the shadow of the Shard? Are we in Knightsbridge by the Park, or Harrods? Camden or Hampstead even? Canary Wharf?
I am sure you were aiming at something general -but even so, there is no picture. I am not sure that this comment can be of much help, as I doubt you want to expand it to an epic, and it would need to be a little longer to encompass some more picture-painting stuff. However, if you have doubts about some parts, perhaps this would help.