06-09-2014, 12:20 AM
Hey QDS. I think the use of virga is fine. I often have a dictionary beside me when I read, and rarely blame that on the author.
The "your" in L3 seems ok also. I think you can personify the storm without deifying it.
In the last line "came" doesn't really work preceded by "has", but if it was intended as is I can see the effect you were going for.
I almost wish the word "vivid" appeared one line sooner. Although it presents the problem of qualifying "lightning" with a new word in the next line, I think "Everything is vivid now" is more what you wanted to say. Of course, that's all just opinion and personal taste. Great read.
Thanks for sharing, Paul
The "your" in L3 seems ok also. I think you can personify the storm without deifying it.
In the last line "came" doesn't really work preceded by "has", but if it was intended as is I can see the effect you were going for.
I almost wish the word "vivid" appeared one line sooner. Although it presents the problem of qualifying "lightning" with a new word in the next line, I think "Everything is vivid now" is more what you wanted to say. Of course, that's all just opinion and personal taste. Great read.
Thanks for sharing, Paul