06-08-2014, 05:27 PM
Soaking up moonlight,
the ancient oak waits for rain.
Lightning approaches.
---------------------------------
An old man looks up
as cottonwood leaves tremble;
the rain dance begins.
---------------------------------
Leaves dance,
while roots sing;
A summer shower.
Hello Mark, the second verse contains "cottonwood" it would have been better for me to keep with "oak" to link all three poems.
I like the connotation of the tree in verse 1 "soaking" up moonlight instead of water, because it has not rained, the imagery of the tree "waiting" in the moonlight is lovely. Line 3 of the first verse does not strike me as "right" it is hard for me to put my finger on why, so as to give you a definitive answer, it is just my "gut" feeling after reading thousands of these poems. You could have left the whole line out for instance, and put "for rain" on its own line.
In verse 2 we can link "old" back to "ancient" in V1. The word "An" is (for me) superfluous. The storm arriving could have been brought into existence in this verse. Once again there is something slightly off with lines 2 and 3. And once again it is hard for me to specify why, the "flow" is off.
Verse 3 does not work for me at all, summer shower does not link with the connotation of "lightning" which I would associate more with a storm.
Things like "leaves dance" have been used too many times. The word "while" could be left out. Roots "drink" I would always try to be factual if possible it helps the overall image.
Hope some of this helps, I really enjoyed your posts. JG
the ancient oak waits for rain.
Lightning approaches.
---------------------------------
An old man looks up
as cottonwood leaves tremble;
the rain dance begins.
---------------------------------
Leaves dance,
while roots sing;
A summer shower.
Hello Mark, the second verse contains "cottonwood" it would have been better for me to keep with "oak" to link all three poems.
I like the connotation of the tree in verse 1 "soaking" up moonlight instead of water, because it has not rained, the imagery of the tree "waiting" in the moonlight is lovely. Line 3 of the first verse does not strike me as "right" it is hard for me to put my finger on why, so as to give you a definitive answer, it is just my "gut" feeling after reading thousands of these poems. You could have left the whole line out for instance, and put "for rain" on its own line.
In verse 2 we can link "old" back to "ancient" in V1. The word "An" is (for me) superfluous. The storm arriving could have been brought into existence in this verse. Once again there is something slightly off with lines 2 and 3. And once again it is hard for me to specify why, the "flow" is off.
Verse 3 does not work for me at all, summer shower does not link with the connotation of "lightning" which I would associate more with a storm.
Things like "leaves dance" have been used too many times. The word "while" could be left out. Roots "drink" I would always try to be factual if possible it helps the overall image.
Hope some of this helps, I really enjoyed your posts. JG