06-08-2014, 11:36 AM
Markworth,
Not that I particularly care about haiku form, as I think it really has no relationship to the Japanese form, but if you're going to follow the 5-7-5 in the first two, why deviate from it in the third stanza, and why then call it a haiku, especially as there is no kireji? You do not have a seasonal reference except in the last stanza, so it seems a mixed bag. Just curious, but the lines of the last stanza (especially the second line as it is obvious that it is not seven syllables long) seem slightly disruptive to the poem, at least for me. I got to that second line and immediately stopped to ponder why it was so short, which of course took me out of the poem. If it was intentional I would be interested in your rationale.
Dale
Not that I particularly care about haiku form, as I think it really has no relationship to the Japanese form, but if you're going to follow the 5-7-5 in the first two, why deviate from it in the third stanza, and why then call it a haiku, especially as there is no kireji? You do not have a seasonal reference except in the last stanza, so it seems a mixed bag. Just curious, but the lines of the last stanza (especially the second line as it is obvious that it is not seven syllables long) seem slightly disruptive to the poem, at least for me. I got to that second line and immediately stopped to ponder why it was so short, which of course took me out of the poem. If it was intentional I would be interested in your rationale.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.