06-07-2014, 10:20 AM
The oldest of themes, the fear of death invites cliche. However, with the exception of "sacrificial lamb" these have largely been avoided.
Given both defer to the obvious (and therefore add nothing to structural integrity) you might consider dropping the last line in each of the first two stanzas, giving the piece a consistent five-line format.
Void of meaning, "it's whatever" really doesn't work for me. Also, "I'd always win, but if not--I tried--and I will so long as I’m alive" presents as a (disjointed) contradiction. Alternatively, "If I didn't win at least I always tried" would work.
Line 19 - "and just take in the truth that tragedies exist and overcome" is awkwardly worded. Perhaps, "and just accept that tragedy exists to be overcome" would do the trick.
The subject is worthy, but there's much punctuation work to be done.
Given both defer to the obvious (and therefore add nothing to structural integrity) you might consider dropping the last line in each of the first two stanzas, giving the piece a consistent five-line format.
Void of meaning, "it's whatever" really doesn't work for me. Also, "I'd always win, but if not--I tried--and I will so long as I’m alive" presents as a (disjointed) contradiction. Alternatively, "If I didn't win at least I always tried" would work.
Line 19 - "and just take in the truth that tragedies exist and overcome" is awkwardly worded. Perhaps, "and just accept that tragedy exists to be overcome" would do the trick.
The subject is worthy, but there's much punctuation work to be done.