06-07-2014, 05:56 AM
Hi Jimmy. I like what you tried to do with your poem - to show the passage of time through one constant in the lives in the house. I like the contrasts of each generation, focusing on a particular season so we are reminded that all of life is circular and yet somehow a progression.
The images you used are good - what let you down, in my opinion, is the passive use of verbs. "There is a red couch" does not have the same impact as 'A red couch stands' - make the objects do something, be active. Then, repeating the verb to be in the second line of each stanza helps to flatten out your poem even more.
You use capitals at the start of each segment and this calls attention to the fact that these are segments, not sentences. In short bursts and isolated by the periods, these feel rather disjointed to your reader. Maybe you could combine some of these segments into sentences, using commas and/or semi colons, to aid the flow of the poem.
The bones of a good poem here - keep working on it! Thanks for the read.
The images you used are good - what let you down, in my opinion, is the passive use of verbs. "There is a red couch" does not have the same impact as 'A red couch stands' - make the objects do something, be active. Then, repeating the verb to be in the second line of each stanza helps to flatten out your poem even more.
You use capitals at the start of each segment and this calls attention to the fact that these are segments, not sentences. In short bursts and isolated by the periods, these feel rather disjointed to your reader. Maybe you could combine some of these segments into sentences, using commas and/or semi colons, to aid the flow of the poem.
The bones of a good poem here - keep working on it! Thanks for the read.