Crib Death

[Brownlie]

Crib Death

Misgivings awoke
to seed a thunderhead - I see what your doing here, I do like the cloud study it adds a new dimension to the proverbial yellow fork. However, I think binding it to such a clearly drawn metaphor weakens the poem. If the couple was simply observing the phenomena it might be more effective.
beneath our bed’s canopy.
Our quicksilver clouds transmuted
to hammer and anvil
to wrought old passion
into rapiers. --- You're running into the category of the word rapine sort of (with connotations of rape), but that's kind of an out of the blue observation. Hammer and anvil is pretty cool I'm not sure if that's been done before.

Time for intimacy lapsed, -- These abstractions like intimacy may be weakening your poem.
its cogs and springs strewn
amid ruin of bed linens. -- I agree that ruin is a bit too strong. The metaphor may be a bit too obvious here as some seem to have said
Pitons that toppled
our temple's clock-tower
oxidize within marble wounds. -- Marble connects to your title which is a nice touch

Gargoyles of doubt squatted
on mahogany bedposts, roiling -- I have a hunch roiling was pretty clever here.
quiescent waters below. My vessel lies
breached on uncharted reefs,
awaiting your sea monsters -- Maybe a specific sea monster.
that frequent them.

Made some sort of haphazard comments. Thanks for posting.