#2

[tectak]

The striking of church bells
Rolls through like a mist
And weights, as leaves on the breast
Of an atheist

Terse verse, terse crit.
Similes. Striking and rolling are incompatible. Chiming is a sound, striking is the action that produces the sound. Sound rolls through mist. Striking stays where it is.
Clarity of intent ."And weights" is confusing. Do you mean "And weighs", "And waits" or as written which makes no sense?
Metaphors. "Leaves on the breast of an athiest" has no meaning for me. Metaphors should clarify, not confuse. Leaves as in trees or leaves as in left? See. I do not trust your word use and it is your fault, not mine.
Pretensions. Why capitalise every line? It is retro, confusing, faux-poetic and utterly pointless.
Apart from these minor issues you should try to develop this piece. As a cameo thought it is lacking in depth and texture, happily existing in the pia mater; but that is a reason to develop it, not abandon it.
Title. Give it one.
Best,
tectak

I changed it to 'chiming'
I mean both No you didn't. You spelled the word incorrectly and now you are wriggling.which is also why I included the comma to emphasize waiting. And this is....oh, sorry hang on, my bull-shit alarm has just gone off....I wonder why. As for the leaves part I'll take some time to think of a clearer way of putting even though it seems obvious that I'm referring to leaves from a tree when I use the word 'weight'. Ah...I shall remember that. Whenever I look at a leaf I shall think "weight". Get out'a town Plus the other leaves would absolutely no sense. Actually, you nearly made sense there but you pulled yourself back from the jaws of success . I like it. He left on the breast of an atheist....yes, I could use that

I see where you want to go with the poem, but your bell rings hollow. I think you want something like: the sound of church bells murmur through the mist. What you have now makes no sense. What weights or weighs, do you mean the bell itself? That would have to be one light bell if it weighs no more than a pile of leaves. Is that atheist buried in a shallow grave under those leaves? The most important query is: why would you think a church bell carries any weight as a symbol of Christianity to an atheist, who thinks the concept of a god is silly and that religion is an absurdity? Do you think a mere bell would sway their beliefs? This needs a lot more work in establishing your point of view, developing your metaphor and assembling the proper images. Good luck with your next edit./Chris

That is my point. It doesn't hold any meaning to an atheist or very very little. Which is why I compared it's weight to leaves laying on them.

I was confused. The juxtaposition of the Church and Atheism can make for an interesting poem, but I have no idea what you're going for with this. "And weights, as leaves on the breast Of an atheist." means literally nothing to me. More explanation for what you're trying to convey could make this so much better.

I'm simply pointing out how something can have a lot of meaning to one person and, in this case, very little meaning to another.