06-05-2014, 11:45 PM
This time it’s real, this time what I feel I no longer will conceal.
Both phrases don't seem necessary. You manage to have real, feel, will and conceal; but the line itself doesn't say much. It's saying too much while saying too little.
It's serious now, I can't hold this in any longer.
That loses the rhymes and still doesn't say much, but it's less wordy and starts things off better. My version of the line isn't any better than yours. Though your opening line will have some people assuming you're going to keep using unnecessary phrases to fit rhymes in, and they won't read it.
The good inside me won’t erease these facts, of what that came
from my fear shame and selfish acts; with neglect and violence and anger
i reacted.
You could try to cut back on the wordiness and only use rhymes where they're effective. What is and isn't effective you just have to acquire an ear for.
Both phrases don't seem necessary. You manage to have real, feel, will and conceal; but the line itself doesn't say much. It's saying too much while saying too little.
It's serious now, I can't hold this in any longer.
That loses the rhymes and still doesn't say much, but it's less wordy and starts things off better. My version of the line isn't any better than yours. Though your opening line will have some people assuming you're going to keep using unnecessary phrases to fit rhymes in, and they won't read it.
The good inside me won’t erease these facts, of what that came
from my fear shame and selfish acts; with neglect and violence and anger
i reacted.
You could try to cut back on the wordiness and only use rhymes where they're effective. What is and isn't effective you just have to acquire an ear for.