Untitled

[Pyxx]

Hi, Pyxx, grief tinged with guilt comes through strong for me. I suggest you take each four lines, remove the cliches (sink into the mire, etc.) and try to present each image in a fresh way. And correct the typos (world's, etc.), you can make something of this, good luck.

Perceptive. Thank you, I will remove sink into the mire and work on substituting this, it isn't a very intelligent rhyme anyway, liar, mire, ect. I did dislike this about the work. Are there other cliches that you see? Is it possible for you to elaborate on what you mean by present each image in a new way? Do you mean use different words? Cheers. This has been a great help.

---

---

Well, I am not surprised it is untitled as it seems that neither you nor I have any idea what it is about.
A critical line by line is not suitable in this forum suffice to say it would be to your advantage to go through it line by line yourself and begin by punctuating to clarity...you know, make complete sentences, that sort of thing. Whilst engaged in this cerebrally satisfying exercise you will stumble across areas of confusion which you may not have spotted should you not have read through the piece before.
You didn't say you hadn't not failed to not read it through so I assume that you hadn't not done so or you wouldn't have said. Is that not clear? Sorry. Look out for double negatives.
"Blind Feet" would be a good title....or " I am the God of Hell-Fire"...no...sorry...that's been taken by Arthur Brown....remove cliche's.
nothing left to do
words hung out
6 (sic) feet under
walk a mile
sink into mire
hand in hand
burns through my veins.

OK? Now, seriously, make sure of your intent. You will never write well without understanding what you are trying to say...if you don't know what chance have I. There are those who will say just write as the words come.Fine. If that is the kind of advice that appeals to you go to bed happy.
I offer this.

Untitled

Words like carpets tacked against
the stairs fly by the corded rope
that binds us to the land's
corpuscular creations
to sting and ring out christmas
when you cry.

See. It's easy; but it is still rubbish.
Best,
tectak

I appreciate your constructive criticism. This work is untitled because it is not finished. Then please fini Speaking into reflection is a reference to speaking to someone behind a glass wall Why would the character do that?A form of Imprisonment. This is also a reference to seeing someone for the first time and realizing they are not the person they presented themselves to be. Why does this sound as if you are making it up on the hoof,so to speak?Words hung out and used is a reference to being deceived. How is that,then? Its about buying into the lie. How is that,then?I know what the poem is about. I prefer poems that are abstract. So you know what YOUR abstract poem is about and you are writing this poem from personal preference, which is incomplete, and want feedback? Hmm. I will definitely take your advice though, I am only a novice. Which is why I joined this forum. I understand that it can use more work, I can see how parts of the poem appear disconnected from the rest.
[/quote]
Good egg,
I will sincerely look forward to your edit.
Keep writing,
Best,
tectak
[/quote]

Um, making the poem up or the answers? I think I was not demanding constructive criticism, I will critique others poems however I am in the last leg of completing a Masters Degree and don't have the time yet. Obviously my major is not creative writing, which I picked up along the way. I have offered constructive criticism on another poem so its not as if I am merely posting and not offering feedback in return. According to this forum requests like this lack etiquette, which I understand. From what I have learned from the advice given so far, this poem needs a lot of work, as it is coming across as too obscure. I am happy to receive feedback as, how am I to know it's bad if I am just sitting at home and seeing the words with my own eyes. I write what I feel, I write what I have experienced. I am happy that everyone is so honest here, words like 'gee that's nice, isn't going to help me learn anything. Thanks again