Cotton Candy Sheep

[tectak]

Cotton Candy Sheep [Second Draft]

Silly sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
the bleating is sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into dreams
stick needles picking
unseemingly unraveling seams

Tattered hides crouch low in thistle and thorn
dull eyed, doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for dawn

Silent cries echo words unsaid
the night is stillborn
rivers run ribbon red.


Cotton Candy Sheep [First Draft]

Silly sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
the bleating is sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into dreams
stick needles picking
unseemingly unraveling seams

Tattered hides crouch low in thistle and thorn
dull eyed, doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for the dawn

Silent cries echo of words left unsaid
the night is stillborn
as rivers run ribbon red.

Hi pyxx,
There is a good deal to like about this but you do not help yourself by leaving punctuation up to the reader. The use of alliteration can be overpowering and over-used and both failings are made more apparent if the flow is undirected by the squiggly marks...in other words, more meaning, less words.
I have to say that there are glimpses of joy in the piece, that is not gratuitous flattery,
and is largely due to your observational skills. If you see what you see simply write down the words which describe your thoughts...this will not include "unseemingly unravelling" or "silent cries echoing"...no one who thinks like that is still at large.
Once you have a spine, start adding flesh. It is OK to be intentionally abstract or obscure but remember to be convincing...anything which cannot be understood is the fault of the writer in the first instance. After that, the reader begins to doubt the intentions of the piece...rightly or wrongly. Your call, but once you start to explain what you mean outside the poem, you are doomed.
Best,
tectak