06-04-2014, 09:33 PM
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Hi, Pyxx, grief tinged with guilt comes through strong for me. I suggest you take each four lines, remove the cliches (sink into the mire, etc.) and try to present each image in a fresh way. And correct the typos (world's, etc.), you can make something of this, good luck.
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Perceptive. Thank you, I will remove sink into the mire and work on substituting this, it isn't a very intelligent rhyme anyway, liar, mire, ect. I did dislike this about the work. Are there other cliches that you see? Is it possible for you to elaborate on what you mean by present each image in a new way? Do you mean use different words? Cheers. This has been a great help.
Hi, Pyxx, grief tinged with guilt comes through strong for me. I suggest you take each four lines, remove the cliches (sink into the mire, etc.) and try to present each image in a fresh way. And correct the typos (world's, etc.), you can make something of this, good luck.
[/quote]
Perceptive. Thank you, I will remove sink into the mire and work on substituting this, it isn't a very intelligent rhyme anyway, liar, mire, ect. I did dislike this about the work. Are there other cliches that you see? Is it possible for you to elaborate on what you mean by present each image in a new way? Do you mean use different words? Cheers. This has been a great help.