06-04-2014, 05:44 PM
I find myself putting away
these things that once were yours
because they remind me of you; then
I find I have brought them out again
because they remind me of you.
Opposites flowing from the same wellspring;
I am crucified between longing and despair.
I hold and caress your old photos & letters,
and smooth a cutting of your soft hair.
All more precious to me than gold,
for nothing more of you will be mined.
If scarcity sets the value of a thing,
I am the owner of a great treasure house,
yet, of you I have only these things.
A beggar’s portion left to hold
the shattered, scattered, pieces of my soul.
On the plus side the angst of the narrator comes across, and transfers to the reader.
On the minus side is the cliched use of " Hair" "Photos" "Letters" which are the standard staple of such poems, as are the modifiers "Soft" before hair. "Old" before photos, and "great" before treasure.
The poem could be finished with line 13. The rest is superfluous for me, and was all said in the preceding lines.
These 2 lines below did not work for me within the poem, too melodramatic.
"All more precious to me than gold,
for nothing more of you will be mined."
Thank you. JG
these things that once were yours
because they remind me of you; then
I find I have brought them out again
because they remind me of you.
Opposites flowing from the same wellspring;
I am crucified between longing and despair.
I hold and caress your old photos & letters,
and smooth a cutting of your soft hair.
All more precious to me than gold,
for nothing more of you will be mined.
If scarcity sets the value of a thing,
I am the owner of a great treasure house,
yet, of you I have only these things.
A beggar’s portion left to hold
the shattered, scattered, pieces of my soul.
On the plus side the angst of the narrator comes across, and transfers to the reader.
On the minus side is the cliched use of " Hair" "Photos" "Letters" which are the standard staple of such poems, as are the modifiers "Soft" before hair. "Old" before photos, and "great" before treasure.
The poem could be finished with line 13. The rest is superfluous for me, and was all said in the preceding lines.
These 2 lines below did not work for me within the poem, too melodramatic.
"All more precious to me than gold,
for nothing more of you will be mined."
Thank you. JG