06-03-2014, 06:14 PM
I've read through this several times and I really have no idea what the speaker is trying to say. Maybe some kind of coming of age idea. Regardless, too many of the lines either made no sense, or didn't convey any useful information. For instance Stanza 1:
Let memories remain as memories' stain
Rain of all seasons may thud and thunder,
Snow can tip toe upon the earthly thighs < Well not really. Snow can fall upon earthly thighs, but as "thigh" the metaphor remains undefined, this doesn't really say much>
And sunlight lay naked on naked flesh.
Let memories remain as memories' stain
A lot of words, not much meaning. Poetry usually tries to work just the opposite; few words, a lot of meaning.A lot of the lines that make some sense are just trite. Such as:
"Batter our hearts in infinite sun" is really just a take off on Donne's "Batter my heart, three person'd God".
Vague statements do not a poem make:
"We shape the space and time with knives and fears
We laugh and bay as sour pigs"
Sorry, there is nothing here. when the lines say something intelligible, they have no meaning.
Maybe for your next try, try something smaller and more concrete. Stay away from grandiose statement, or nonsensical ones. Try to avoid writing something like the following:
"A dog is a beast.
We are beast in out hearts.
We shape destiny with out hands,
as we travel strange lands."
Best,
Dale
Let memories remain as memories' stain
Rain of all seasons may thud and thunder,
Snow can tip toe upon the earthly thighs < Well not really. Snow can fall upon earthly thighs, but as "thigh" the metaphor remains undefined, this doesn't really say much>
And sunlight lay naked on naked flesh.
Let memories remain as memories' stain
A lot of words, not much meaning. Poetry usually tries to work just the opposite; few words, a lot of meaning.A lot of the lines that make some sense are just trite. Such as:
"Batter our hearts in infinite sun" is really just a take off on Donne's "Batter my heart, three person'd God".
Vague statements do not a poem make:
"We shape the space and time with knives and fears
We laugh and bay as sour pigs"
Sorry, there is nothing here. when the lines say something intelligible, they have no meaning.
Maybe for your next try, try something smaller and more concrete. Stay away from grandiose statement, or nonsensical ones. Try to avoid writing something like the following:
"A dog is a beast.
We are beast in out hearts.
We shape destiny with out hands,
as we travel strange lands."
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.