structure and punctuation

[Brownlie]

Hello,
I'm generally a lyric writer, so the structural aspects of traditional poetry are somewhat foreign to me. I took a couple classes as a teen and did some online research, but I thought I'd hang this out here for any constructive feedback. Again, my main concern is structure and punctuation, although if you are so inclined, feel free to offer anything else. I can't figure out how to add margins to certain lines on here, so I will emphasize with underscores. Written yesterday:

Ok, I think you may be capable of good writing, but to me this looks pretty bad. That being said, there may be some things in here I'm not getting.


Relativity in Love

Smitten. Or perhaps, stricken -- This just sounds like a shallow declaration of blinding pleasure.
____am I. -- A possible inversion to sound "poetical" as some may say.
How grave a deceit
____to deny;
A spring leaf whose speckled green
____alludes to summer squash -- See this is where you may be smarter than me, because I have no idea what a summer squash has anything to do with this. To me, I think of a plastic cornucopia.
shall too,
Plunge with autumnal distress, --- While the word autumnal has been hacked to death, the idea of a mid life crisis is sort of interesting.
Shatter beneath a strange hoof -- Now I'm not sure what a strange hoof refers to. It sounds like a scene out of a Dhali, but it may be a recondite reference that could land you in the New Yorker (I actually like recondite references myself).
____to reach the soil,
Whence arose two eyes of rich -- Not sure about "whence" it sounds poetical again.
liquid earth aboard a nautilus to Mars... - Not sure about this one... It is either clever or ridiculous.
And lo; -- lo? Maybe it is because I'm American
Views, to you,
____eternal, yet anew
As I’m cast into your orbit
With a young moon’s heart. -- Searching for rubies By the tide of Humber are we?

I consider myself a hack, but here's my critique. I think the idea of trying to sound "poetical" is what's killing your poem here. You could probably get better.

Thank you for your critique. There are personal references in here that describe the recipient of the poem. It's meant to be a gift. My main concern is that the structure and punctuation are poetically sound. The perceivably cheesy "poetical" english is there to fit a theme of relativity. I tried to play with antiquated verbiage to break down barriers of time, as the setting attempts to break physical barriers all to contextualize a confusing personal relationship. I will try and draft out a more modern sounding version and see if it impacts the same way or maybe better. side note: "lo" replaced "behold" in a previous draft. Behold sounded played out, and lo seemed available to use. the liquid earth line was a somewhat psychedelic attempt at describing deep brown eyes, and the nautilus to mars refers to the imaginative submarine from 20000 leagues taking someone's sights to a new world. Maybe I'm obscuring my point too hard and going full bob dylan on some lines.

Well, I often miss things hopefully some other people can provide feedback.