06-03-2014, 12:06 PM
(06-03-2014, 09:59 AM)Erthona Wrote: Half Empty
Hi - I've read this a few times, I like the measured, almost formal tone that to me hides emotion, and the picturing of simple 'things' that we all share as memories of lost loved ones. (Though I don't like the repeat of 'things'.)[/b] They feel imbued with the spirit of their owner, much as relics of saints themselves become holy.
I find myself putting away
these things that once were yours mementos of you?
because they remind me of you; then
I find I have brought them out again
because they remind me of you.
Opposites flowing from the same wellspring; I want to read 'flow' rather than 'flowing'
I am crucified between longing and despair.strong image
I hold and caress your old photos & letters, I know what you mean here, but 'hold and caress' feels a bit clunky - maybe a single word like 'cradle' would work better
and smooth a cutting of your soft hair. I like the rhyme here
All more precious to me than gold,
for nothing more of you will be mined. need this?
If scarcity sets the value of a thing,
I am the owner of a great treasure house, I own a great treasure'?
yet, of you I have only these things. only this? (A beggar's portion is singular)
A beggar’s portion left to hold
the shattered, scattered, pieces of my soul. for me you don't need both adjectives - and I prefer 'scattered'
–Erthona
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