06-03-2014, 07:23 AM
Hey Metalfan, Sounds like you've been listening to Iron Maiden on a loop. 
Seriously though, I'm not sure how the Priest and Elder are needed here. If anything, they confused the issue for me. The 2nd stanza isn't in quotation marks either, so I can't tell if it's the same one way dialogue. There are some decent lines here though, even if some of the rhymes are forced. Also, I agree you might want to narrow the scope. "All inclusive" only works when there are free drinks involved!
Keep at it,
Paul
Seriously though, I'm not sure how the Priest and Elder are needed here. If anything, they confused the issue for me. The 2nd stanza isn't in quotation marks either, so I can't tell if it's the same one way dialogue. There are some decent lines here though, even if some of the rhymes are forced. Also, I agree you might want to narrow the scope. "All inclusive" only works when there are free drinks involved!
Keep at it,
Paul